matilda-'s Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- wanna take a walk with me? She asked me to leave. I set mom up with her much loved mah jong and then left her. She wanted me there with her, she wanted to go home. I could stay with her, however, I couldn't take her home with me so she told me to go. Richard asked why I haven't gone crazy by now, like maybe I should have. He's right. I acted out to keep from going bonkers. Make sense? Scream every once in a while. In therapy I've thrown a tantrum or two. I'm miss my sister today. I miss Darin. I miss John. My ring fits a little better now that I've gained some weight. I couldn't wear it for a long time because it kept slipping off and I was afraid I'd lose it. I shouldn't be here. But the idea of a life of my own is too great, it's part of why I keep going. Why can't I meet a nice guy, have a kid, have a home. Still, I shouldn't be here. Sometimes I do too much and my body will give me a little pinch to remind me the cancer is still there. Like yesterday with the stomach pain. I knew what it was, it was telling me it's not gone anywhere. A little bit of it still lives inside. People telling me to rest up, people telling me to get out there and live. People not making up their minds. So I do what I want to do. I slept two hours last night. That's not enough, is it? I called Richard last night because I know he's always there if I need someone to talk to. Yeah, even if he said he's done with all of us, he's still there. I'm so incredibly sad for my mother right now. Still no dreams of mousefairies but I did dream about Clarice. 09:55 - Saturday, Jun. 22, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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